My Terrifying Social Disability

This an example of how I was when I was younger. Always lost in a crowd of girls.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about breaking the 3 most common fears. I have another fear that gripped me most of my life and I still struggle with this fear. Please don’t laugh at me when I share this fear that seems trivial at first.

My greatest fear is being in a room full of women. Isn’t that crazy? Maybe this fear started when I was surrounded by a bunch of high school girls that wanted to jump me in class. Or by other girls in middle school that picked fights with me for no logical reason.

I get a ton of invites on Facebook to baby showers and wedding showers. I rarely go to these showers because again, I’m thinking of those moments when I was irrationally hated by a bunch of girls. I always had one best girl friend because girls didn’t like me.

To this day I don’t know why girls hated me. I was a tomboy growing up and got along better with boys who didn’t play head games or had drama. I’m still a tom boy at heart.

I think this irrational hatred between women is rooted in sin and the enemy’s design to keep us divided regardless of our gender. I work hard at maintaining or growing friendships with women. I’m always asking someone to lunch or coffee.

I’ve had issues with women in the church that makes me a little wary. Women in the church have told me that I intimidate them, I’m scary, and I’m too intense. I work hard at “toning down” whatever that quality is in me that makes me intimidating, scary or too intense for women. Maybe that’s why my closest friends that I can count on one hand are other leaders.

This fear of a room full of women kept me away from women’s conferences for years. I went to one women’s conference when I was single because my boss made me go. I was glad that she made me go and I had a blast. I’ve gone to about every women’s conference at my church since then so I’ve made some progress on this front.

So if you’ve invited me to your shower or ‘girls night out’ and I don’t show up, please don’t take it personally. I’ve walked a lot of miles on this road of life but I still get that twinge in my gut when I walk into a room full of women. I still feel awkward and like someone is going to pounce on me.

I still fight the fear of being in a room full of women. What’s your greatest fear?

4 thoughts on “My Terrifying Social Disability

  1. Being bullied can really mess with you for years to come! I know how you feel! In the 4th grade, for no logical reason a group of girls surrounded me and talked about me. Said they wished they could beat my head in and a lot of other insulting things. But, there was one girl, who stood behind me and she said, “Don’t cry, that’s what they want.” And at that moment I developed my wall against all women.

    Dealing with the girls at church wasn’t much better. But it seemed the more I stayed away from women the bigger issues they had with me. I wasn’t a tom boy but I was smart and pretty, so I thought that was the problem. But really, the problem wasn’t us, it was our bullies. They had the problem.

    It has taken me years to allow God to heal me in this area. It was necessary because now that I’m a First Lady of two churches I deal with women all the time. My circle of women friends are small but they are truly my friends.

    Hang in there and keep fighting to free yourself. It will come in time.

    • Your so right about how being bullied can mess you up for years. Unfortunately, I became a bully. The group of girls wanted to jump me because I had picked a fight with a girl earlier that day who supposedly owed one of my friends money. I hated being the bully to that girl.

      I believe that God is raising up women in this hour and we need to band together more than ever. Women working can together can accomplish major achievements. Women working together ended child labor, advocated public education and much much more. May the Lord bring down walls between us and make us into a might force for His purposes. Thank you for sharing you heart First Lady!

      On Tue, Mar 10, 2015 at 6:10 PM, Keeping It Real from Leilani Haywood wrote:


  2. Leilani, I have to say that I have that exact same fear. I was bullied in middle school, and high school by a group of kids. I was mainly bullied by a group of girls in grades 7th and 8th. This group of girls were actually my best friends in grade 6. During my 6th grade year this group of girls and I did everything together. There were 7 of them, and I practically lived at their houses every weekend. I felt like I was a part of their families, and that was a great reward for me since my own home life was very dysfunctional. My Father was a bad alcoholic, and my Mother liked to party every weekend, also. Every weekend, I could expect for both my Mom and Dad to be at the club together partying. It seemed normal for my parents to be gone “dancing” every weekend at a bar. I thought that WAS normal, and how all families were, because that was the every weekend routine with my parents. As time went on things got horribly worse every weekend. My Mom and Dad would come home drunk and fighting. Not just a little arguing, but coming home throwing punches at each other. They both got very physical with each other, and I would be the one to have to call 911 to get help, because my parents were beating each other so bad that there was blood everywhere, and I thought that if I didn’t hurry up and call for help that they would eventually kill each other. I thought this was normal, although there was lots of pain that stemmed from these weekends. Cops would show up to my house, My Dad would be taken to jail, and me, my Mother, and 2 older sisters taken to a shelter. I had always thought that it was always ONLY my Dad’s fault, but as I get up I realized that it was also my Mother’s fault, because she knew that my Dad was a very violent drunk and alcoholic. She partook in the partying knowing what the outcome would be every time. We lived in a small town in East TX where everyone knew everyone’s business. The group of girls that I thought were my best friends were instructed by their parents to stay away from me. Their parents were the rich people of the town, and explained to their daughters that my family was very dysfunctional, and they were not to have anything to do with me anymore. I suppose that the parents didn’t want to have any ties to my family, because of the way that it would make them look. The summer after my 6th grade year my family, Mom, Dad, two older sisters and I went on summer “vacation” to Colorado. My parents way of thinking was to take my sisters and I on vacation to beautiful Colorado, and that would fix all of their marital problems, and we would come back a happy family that has been fixed. What a huge joke, and horrible summer spent in Colorado! Okay….getting back to the original topic. Starting my 7th grade year, I was excited to go back to school to see my group of girl friends. We had all made plans our 6th grade year to try out for cheerleader together in 7th grade. I came back to school, and got the hugest surprise of my life! The group of girls had spent all summer long together, and all made a pack to stay away from me as instructed by their parents to keep their good reputation. When trying to figure out why I was being ignored by these girls, there was so much destress & hurt feelings on my part. They continuously pulled my hair, tripped me in the halls, etc, then got the entire school to laugh at me. This kind of behavior went on for the entire year. I couldn’t understand how individuals could be so ugly to me. The same individuals that I had slumber parties with, birthday parties, and all of our dreams of all being cheerleaders together! I eventually found one girl to be friends with. Her and I became TRUE best friends. I spent every weekend just about at her house. Her parents were good wholesome people, and became like my second pair of parents. I vowed to her that I only wanted to be friends with ONLY her, and no one else. After the abandonment of the ugly group of girls, I didn’t want to ever be a part of a group anymore. The group of girls went on, and tried out for cheerleader, and all made it of course. The judging for cheerleader tryouts were first you had to make it past a 5 panel of judges, then tryout in front of the entire school body. I decided that regardless of the ugliness of the girls, I was still going to try out. There were 75 girls that tried out, and only 20 could be picked to try out in front of the school body. I was one that was chosen of the 20. When it was my time to try out in front of the school body… was the worse day of my life! I stood in front of the school, and starred to do my cheer as all of the popular students booed & laughed at me as they were instructed to do by the group of girls. It was the most humiliating day of my life. Of course I did not get voted cheerleader, but from that day forward, my biggest fear has also been to make friends with girls, or go to a function to where I know that it’s only going to be females. Geez….that was super long, and I have NEVER shared that with anyone before in my life until now.

    Thank you!

    • Wow sounds like you can really relate. I think there is power in girls or women banding together for a cause which is why the enemy works so hard to keep us apart with division, jealousy etc. Women working together championed public education, voting rights, labor rights, children not working, etc. etc. So much GOOD has come from women working together. So we need to work even harder to not fall to the enemy’s schemes by giving into jealousy, competition and division.

      I do have a lot of great female friends that are like-minded when it comes to following God and serving Him. They understand my quirkiness when it comes to this “disability.” They are patient with me when I go into seclusion or hermit mode lol. I pray for God to heal you, as He has and continues to heal me of the scars from petty-minded girls. May you find freedom to love Him and love the women that God has brought into your life. How we need Him!

      On Tue, Mar 10, 2015 at 11:13 AM, Keeping It Real from Leilani Haywood wrote:


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