5 Dangerous Signs You’re a Control Freak

Control Girls often don’t realize that they’re Control Girls. I sure didn’t.
I spent the first 35 years of my life completely oblivious to my control issues. I knew I was arguing with my husband. I knew there was tension with coworkers. I knew I was frustrated with friends and family members. I just didn’t know these things all stemmed from my unhealthy craving for control.
Recognizing I’m a Control Girl hasn’t solved all of my problems, but it has given me a starting point for change. So I want to invite you to ask yourself the question I should have asked long before age 35: “Am I a Control Girl?”
To help you answer, I’d like to provide five common traits of Control Girls:

1.       You tend to be bothered by other controlling people.

Do you become easily annoyed by that bossy woman who always tries to take over in the committee meeting? Do you get frustrated when someone interrupts you (which, by the way, is a classic control-seeking move)? Does your controlling mother drive you nuts?
I’ve noticed that the women who are most bothered by controlling people are often quite controlling, themselves. They butt heads with the other Control Girls in the room who are all lunging for exactly what they are-control.

2.       You struggle with anger.

Are you likely to respond angrily when someone doesn’t meet your expectations? Do you erupt when someone interrupts your plans? Do you inwardly seethe when someone cuts in or takes whatever you had your eye on?
Anger is common for Control Girls. Our anger flares when we lose the thing we want, which is control. And as a rule, both of these-losing our grip on control and losing our tempers-happen far more frequently than we’d like.

3.       You struggle with anxiety or fear.

Do you tend to worry about safety precautions, germs, or symptoms you’re experiencing? Do you obsess over what family members might be saying about you, or what your boss might be thinking?
What about fear? Do you imagine the worst when your teen is ten minutes late? Do you suspect the worst when your husband doesn’t answer his phone?
Fear and anxiety are common for Control Girls because we constantly have to face things that we’d like to control but can’t, such as the future, unknowns, risks, and the opinions of others.

4.       Others send you subtle hints.

If you’re a Control Girl who doesn’t yet know it, chances are, other people have tried to tell you. Now, they probably haven’t said, “Stop being a Control Girl.” Instead, they tactfully give you subtle cues. Such as when…
  • Your husband says, “Honey, the mechanic couldn’t hear the sound either. The car is fine.”
  • Your adult daughter says, “We’ve been over this, mom. We want our kids in this school district.”
  • Your teenage son says, “Mom, for the tenth time. I’m not coldI don’t want to wear a jacket.”
All of these are cues that the other person would like you to back off and stop trying to control. You might not see it as controlling, but they apparently do.

5.       God seems distant and uncaring to you.

Does God seem like He’s too far away to notice you or hear your prayers? Do you think of God as too indifferent, apathetic or disinterested to concern Himself with things that matter to you?
If you’re suspicious of God’s motives or you question whether He cares, you won’t surrender to Him. It wouldn’t make sense! Only the person who sees God as both sovereign over creation and lovingly involved in the details of everyday life will choose to surrender to Him. The rest, by default, will live like Control Girls, doing the best they can to get control and keep everything on track.
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About Control Girl: Lessons on Surrendering Your Burden of Control from Seven Women in the Bible

“I control because I care.”
“I just want to be sure of a happy ending.”
“I worry that everything is spinning out of control.”
Many women can identify with statements like these. They have a compulsion to make everything turn out just right and are willing to do anything to make it happen. But this unbalanced pursuit of control makes those around them anxious and defensive. And when they realize control is slipping from their grasp, they lose control of themselves and react in anger or fear.
Shannon Popkin knows this struggle inside and out. Keeping her inner Control Girl hidden is a full-time job. Thankfully, she also knows another very important truth: no woman has to be a Control Girl.
In this encouraging book, Shannon invites seven Control Girls from the Bible into the conversation. She examines each story for the moments in which grasping for control circumvented God’s plans for good, whether it was Eve’s desire to know instead of to trust, Sarah’s inability to wait for God to move, or Rebekah’s controlling hand on her family’s future. Finally, Shannon finds God’s perspective on each of the problems and then reveals how readers’ can have their own happy endings in similar situations.
The author shares from her own struggles and follows each Bible study with questions for personal reflection. In the end, controlling women will find insight into their own experience, peace in the knowledge that God is in control, and relief that they are free.
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  Shannon Popkin is a writer, speaker and Bible teacher who combines her gifts for humor and storytelling with her passion for Jesus. She is a regular contributor for the Revive Our Hearts’ True Woman blog and author of the book Control Girl. Popkin and her husband live the fast-paced life of parenting three teens in Michigan.
Connect with Shannon Popkin and learn more about Control Girl by visiting www.shannonpopkin.com, following her on Facebook (shanpopkin) or following her via Twitter (@ShannonPopkin).

My response to Christians who are boycotting ‘The Shack’ film. 

Crystal Olmos

I was recently contacted by a precious woman from a marketing firm that works for Lionsgate films. She liked my mommy/lifestyle blog and also saw I was a Christ follower. She gave me VIP seats to attend the advance screening of The Shack and also allowed any of my followers to come for free as well!

I was really excited about this opportunity as I read the book years ago and really loved it. Unfortunately, my excitement was put at bay a little once I started seeing articles circulating around about how “anti-Christian” and “blasphemous” the book, and now film, was, in some Christian’s opinions.
Friends, can I just tell you… can I please just tell you… how wrong these people are.

I am a person who takes blaspheme against God and reverence towards Him VERY seriously. I will walk out of a theater with actors who are cursing His…

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What I Learned From the Girl Who Wanted to Stab Me

an-angry-woman“Gloria put the knife down,” I said to my petite roommate shakingly holding a butcher knife in her hand. The knife was aimed at me. “You don’t tell me what to do you bitch,” she screamed at me. “I hate you! Who do you think you are?”

I stood back and realized if I stayed, I would have to beat her up to defend myself. I whispered a prayer under my breath, “God if I stay I’m going to kick her ass. What do I do?”

A voice whispered loudly to my heart. “Leave now.” I walked out and went to my neighbor’s house. I called my pastor’s wife and told her what happened. She laughed when I got to the part about beating Gloria up.

“Do you think you could have taken her out?” She laughed. “Yes, I would have thrown her off the lanai (patio). That’s how mad I am.”

She advised me to go hang out with some friends for a few hours until she could figure out what to do. Later that night, Gloria was gone.

Gloria had schizophrenia and the church I was involved in was very naive about mental illness. We had prayed for her to be delivered from tormentors, but we didn’t have a healthy view of treatment and medication. Getting medical treatment or taking medication was interpreted as an admission of not believing God for healing.

Gloria should have gotten help
I wonder what happened to Gloria who probably stopped taking her medication because of our faulty view of God’s process of healing. Since I’ve had my own mental illness issues where I received therapy and have a daughter who has challenges that require counseling, my view of God’s healing process has broadened. My daughter kicked my narrow walls down when she was born.

My daughter, D’Andra, has Down syndrome, a chromosonal disorder which means she has an extra chromosone. That extra chromosone opened a storm for me as I learned how to navigate believing for her healing while securing treatment despite my horrible theology of faith and healing. Here’s what I learned from Gloria to help my daughter.

Getting help isn’t a sign of lack of faith in God
A very wise woman broke my chain of faulty theology when I asked her, “My daughter has a lot of services available for her for free. Would I be showing that I have a lack of faith if I take advantage of those services?”

She shook her head and said, “You take advantage of every available treatment and service to help your daughter. That’s not lack of faith. That’s called being a good mother.”

God can use doctors, therapists, counselors etc. to heal you
She then shared with me how people who take medication the doctor prescribes for their illness or pain could help them serve the Lord better. God could use doctors, medication, treatment and counseling to bring healing as well as prayer. If you combine all these available options, you have more open doors for God to release healing.

I wish I would have know the power of God healing a sick mind through medication when Gloria was threatening to stab me. Maybe I would have asked Gloria if she took her medication. I know I would have been more compassionate although I needed to flee an unsafe situation.

If you need medical help, a counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist, go get treatment. It is not a sin to receive medical treatment or counseling. Receive prayer but go get help.

Don’t look down on people who need help
If you know someone who needs medical help or counseling, please don’t look down on them. Don’t put the ‘something must be wrong with you because you don’t have enough faith for healing’ judgment on them. Christians have told me this when I confided in them about a struggle. Telling me that I don’t enough faith did nothing to help me. Telling me that I don’t have enough faith made me feel condemned and hopeless.

If someone has told you that you don’t have enough faith for healing if you seek out medical treatment or counseling, they’re wrong. God gave doctors, naturopaths, chiropractors, nurses, surgeons as well as medical practitioners as a gift to bring healing.

God gave them the wisdom to help diagnose your problem so you can serve Him better. So be free to get help. Do everything you can to get the help you need.

An Open Letter to the Women Who Marched

open-letter-protestor-michael-kowalczyk

I applaud your exercise of your first amendment right to free speech. I thought of joining your cause and several of my friends marched with you. I had some friends who marched in Washington, D.C., another friend who marched in New York City and my cousin who marched in Kansas City.

I wanted to march with you on January 21, 2017 but I couldn’t fully buy into the pro-abortion platform. The reason I wanted to march with you was because of my pro-life values that drove me to not terminate the pregnancy of my daughter with a disability. I understand that many protesters were taking a stand for the disabled, immigrants, refugees, the poor and marginalized.

I feel very torn between my friends who are pro-life and pro-Trump and could not support your march. I wanted to march for my daughter because frankly I’m concerned about her future under Trump’s administration. I watched the news coverage all day and prayed.

I prayed that you would be heard. I prayed that God would heal the division in our nation. I prayed for peace.

One of my friends texted me and said she would have loved to march but couldn’t because of the pro-abortion stance. There are millions of women like my friend and I who are just as passionate as you are about the defending the plight of the immigrant, the poor, the refugee, the disabled and the marginalized.

But we will not shed our stand for life. While I’m pro-life, I’m pro all of life. I believe that the pro-life movement has been weak to advocate for ALL life, for the single teenage mom who decides to keep her baby, for the baby who ends up in foster care or an orphanage, for the homeless, for the immigrant and marginalized. I believe God is pro ALL of life. He is pro-people, pro-freedom and pro-truth.

I’ve never voted on one issue like most of my pro-life friends. I’ve tried to keep an open mind because I have people who I love that had several abortions. I refuse to condemn or judge them. My heart is to reach across political issues that divide us and bring us together.

I pray that we can truly hear each other instead of shutting each other down because of our own perceived stereotypes. I refuse to stereotype you as a rude, profanity-speaking f-bomb dropping woman. By the same token, don’t stereotype me as a militant right-wing, pro-Trump, Republican pro-lifer that doesn’t care about social justice issues.

We share a common history of struggle for our rights and dignity. Can we stop screaming at each other, caricaturizing each other and listen to each other? Please drop the labels and let’s talk. My friend, Lee Grady, wrote a column about the Christian foundation of the suffragette movement.

Lee wrote: “It was Christian suffragette leader Lucretia Mott (1793-1880) who said: “The world has never yet seen a truly great and virtuous nation because in the degradation of woman the very fountains of life are poisoned at their source.” Mott did not live to see American women win the vote in 1920, but she laid the foundation for that victory.

If we truly want to stop the poison of injustice and elevate the dignity of women in the Trump era, we will need more than sassy outrage from Hollywood stars. We need a gutsy, courageous, grassroots Christian women’s movement that is not afraid to stand for both gender equality and sexual purity; we need compassion for pregnant women as well as a mother’s heart to protect unborn and unwanted children.”

Let’s come together and pray for our nation. More than ever, we need peace and wisdom. May God bring healing to our nation and wisdom for all us to become the solution instead of looking to the government for the answer.

Bridging the Racial Divide in the Church

racism-church

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said,

“It is appalling that the most segregated hour of Christian America is eleven o’clock on Sunday morning.”

Progress is slow on racial reconciliation in this country, particularly given recent events. But why do lingering divisions exist in the Church, the very communities built on the promise of forgiveness and reconciliation? Finding racial unity in a congregation is a complex task that requires a deep recognition of racial differences in how Christians understand and practice their faith. In a recent study that builds upon our research on racial tension and the Black Lives Matter movement, Barna examined the divergent ways in which black and white Christians approach discipleship, individually and collectively, revealing insights that may contribute to the realization of King’s dream of an unsegregated hour of worship.

What Is Spiritual Progress?
The term “spiritual progress” is open to interpretation, and when asked to define it, differences in perspectives begin to emerge between black and white Christian leaders Black Christian leaders are more likely to describe the process of spiritual progress as “spiritual maturation” (31%), while white Christian leaders prefer the phrase “spiritual growth” (21%). The language of “maturation” implies more of an internal transformation and the development of wisdom through life experience, whereas the word “growth” tends to suggest an approach that entails reaching key milestones.

When both groups define “discipleship,” white believers are more likely to refer to it as a “process of learning to follow Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, seeking to observe all that Jesus commanded, by the power of the Holy Spirit and to his glory.” Black Christians instead commonly refer to it as “The process of transformation that changes us to be increasingly more like Christ through the Word, the Spirit, and circumstance.” For black Christians, spiritual progress tends to focus more on life experience rather than achieving goals, about maturing into a Christ-like character as they weather life’s storms. Read more.

Walking in the Tension of a Quiet End and Exhilarating Beginning

crossroadsA few days before Christmas, my friend, Lucy Haley-Hurn ended her fight with Cancer. Lucy was surrounded by loving friends and family when she met the One she served her whole life on December 21. I’ll never forget the prayers I cried out to God for Lucy and her fiancee Ashley to find suitable property. Or prayers for the details to come together when they found property. And prayers for Lucy when she was in the hospital. I thank God that He answered our prayers by bringing healing from the disease that her spirit refused to succumb to.

The day after Christmas, three young men sang ‘My Girl’ in front of the Melting Pot on the Plaza in Kansas City for a couple, Paul Winters and Briann McDowell. While the melody rose through the cold night air, Paul grabbed the Zales bag with the ring and got on his knees. “Will you marry me?” She nodded yes and I wept through this happy moment.

In one week,  a friend’s life ended and another friend’s life was beginning a new chapter. Celebrating a friend’s engagement and a funeral the same week starkly reminds me of what’s truly important while walking through the tension of a new beginning and an ending. New beginnings and endings strip us of our pretense to reveal priorities driving us and force us to answer questions we don’t want to ask.

Endings are always bittersweet and beginnings exhilarating especially when relationships are redefined. We answer questions that we don’t want to answer such as:

Why am I really doing this activity? Am I involved in this task or activity to please someone, to make myself look good or because I’m too afraid to say no?

Is this person a friend or are they using me to further their own agenda? If I fail or make a mistake, will this person stay in my life or kick me to the curb? I know Paul found a friend for life in his future wife,  Briann. They have an incredible passion for helping children and they are a perfect match. My friend Lucy was one of the few people who would not kick me to the curb.

What’s important in my life? My daughter, D’Andra and her growth in her faith became my number one priority in 2016. Her stormy adjustment to high school forced me to search high and low for a place where she could thrive spiritually. She turns 15 in April and Holy Spirit spoke to me that I would lose her if she didn’t find her ‘tribe’ or youth group now.

As the year comes to a close, the multiple funerals and memorial services I’ve attended in 2016 put a fire in my heart to get on with what God has called me to do. I pray that you will get on with what He has called you to do. Spend some time the first month of a new year answering these questions.

Soak in this Psalm as you answer questions you’ve haven’t been asked in a long time and may Holy Spirit’s wisdom speak to you for 2017.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd;
    I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams.
    He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever.

 

The 21 Questions to Ask Yourself

21-questions-to-ask-yourself

 

I ripped this list off Ed Gandia’s podcast directed towards high income business writers. This was such a good podcast that I listened to it 3 times when I worked out. Answering these questions will help you frame your direction and attitude for 2017. I’m going to work through this list. I encourage you to work through it with me by answering these questions for yourself.

The first question is: What am I most proud of this year? I would have to say that what I’m most proud of is the effort I took to connect with a whole world that I didn’t know existed a year ago. I’m a mother of a daughter with special needs and fought feelings of being isolated and alone in my fight for her dignity and spiritual growth. I took a step out of my isolation to meet a group of moms of special needs children at Grace Church.

This group of moms play bunco once a month through out the year. The ‘bunco’ moms group have been a lifeline of encouragement, exhortation and advice for me. They have connected me with a ton of resources for helping my daughter with special needs.

I’m also most proud that I made her faith and well being a greater priority in 2016. D’Andra is 14-years-old and has had a rough first semester at her new high school. There were times I wanted to tune everything out and ignore her struggle. But my new friend, Georgia who I met through the Bunco game night, and many other moms of special needs children, pointed me to other resources or people to talk to about my issues.

I had no idea that assistance was available for me to help with my daughter’s issues from the Down syndrome Guild and other organizations. The more I learn about her challenges, the better equipped my husband, Jerome and I become to help her. I’ve learned to look at challenges unflinchingly and unashamed with bold, tenacious faith.

I made some dramatic changes to help her such as joining a local community center with a heated pool. She loves to swim and this has helped her deal with her stress. I’m also looking for a Special Olympics team for D’Andra to join since I just discovered that she likes to kick a soccer ball. D’Andra may be the one who inherited her dad’s athletic genes. Jerome was a track star on his way to the Olympics in college.

So what I’m proud of is admitting my weakness and pushing myself out of isolation to find other moms in the same battle for their child’s dignity and well being.

What are you most proud of from 2016?